Humanity has been teleconversing for the last 139 years. What, pray tell, is the big deal about the humble phone call? It’s a simple 2-step process:
1. Dial number
Quite easy, is it not? Well, maybe for those who are extroverts. However, if you are an introvert, this process becomes much more complex. What could be an expedient 2-step process becomes a 21-step monstrosity of a nightmare.
This is how an introvert makes a phone call:
1. Think about what he or she is going to say
Just picking up the phone and dialing would lead to disaster! To avoid awkward silences and stuttering, the introvert must spend time, much more time than the actual length of the envisioned phone call, to decide what he or she is going to say. This includes writing a script or talking points on paper.
2. Consider what the other person may say and how she’d respond in return
Inevitably, thinking about what he or she will say leads to pondering just how the other person may respond, and what they might say to what was painstakingly scripted before hand. This of course leads to simulating in the mind just how to respond to how the other person could respond, and so on and so forth.
3. Get a drink of water
All of this mental exertion results in the need for refreshment. And she certainly wants to be sure she has a clear voice. A drink of water is a must!
4. Go to the bathroom
Of course, upon getting a drink, the introvert finds they are much thirstier than they originally realized, and so down several glasses before returning to their desk…only to realize they now need to take a bathroom break.
5. Reply to an email
Arriving back at their desk, the introvert now discovers they have an extremely, mildly, not-so-much-but-kind-of, urgent email that must be responded to!
6. Rehearse what she will say if she gets voicemail
Nothing strikes more terror in an introvert’s heart than having to leave a message on someone’s voicemail, for her mistakes and fumbles to be digitally recorded for what possibly could be forever. Of course, at the same time, nothing brings greater relief than not having to talk to a real person.
7. Read a book to the kids
Twenty minutes later, the children want to read a book. The introvert acquiesces. After all, what kind of parent would they be if they turned down this request?
8. Make sure everything is quiet
Children satisfied, it is now time to make this phone call! But all must be quiet, from running appliances, TV, music, or the construction project next door.
9. Make arrangements to ensure that everyone will actually stay quiet
Then the dreadful realization hits that the children could start up their ruckus after the phone call has begun. This. Can. NOT. Happen! Shewing them into the great outdoors, spontaneous nap-time, or good old-fashioned duct tape are all viable options.
10. Get a notepad for jotting down notes
“Wait, what was it I had decided to say after spending all that time thinking about it?” The introvert realizes that it would be smart to get a notepad to jot down some notes. This will also ensure that nothing the introvert wants to say during the phone call will be forgotten.
11. Get a snack
“Well, done!” the introvert thinks to herself upon completion of the notes. “I deserve a reward, and I need a snack! Once more to the kitchen we go!”
12. Get another drink of water
Without fail, eating a snack will work up a thirst. More water is in order!
13. Go to the bathroom again
Nature will probably call once the phone call begins so better make a preemptive strike!
14. Find a place to call alone without distractions
All being quiet is not enough. Our introvert must now find a locale free of all visual and olfactory distractions. “Ah, this blank wall will do nicely!”
15. Check Facebook
It then occurs to the introvert that it has been many seconds since they last checked Facebook. Better check it just to make sure nothing urgent has come up rendering a phone call extraneous.
“Nope, nothing has come up. That’s…good…”
16. Take deep breaths
“This is it!”
“Time to make a phone call!”
17. Reread message or listen again to the voicemail from the other person making sure she really did ask that she give her a call
With a surge of anxious hope, the introvert realizes they should reread the email or listen to the voicemail again from the other person just to make absolutely certain they really are supposed to call them. No need to make an unnecessary phone call! That would be the worst.
18. Add her contact info into your iphone
Yup, still supposed to call…but it is here that our introvert realizes they have yet to add this person to their contacts. “Better do that now so I know it’s them when they call in the future…”
Because it’s always good to have God on your side.
20. Write a blog post about how an introvert makes phone calls
The introvert then comes to understand just how difficult it is for her to make a phone call, and decides to write a blog post detailing this difficult and delicate process.
21. Realize with relief that she is out of time and puts it on her to-do list for tomorrow
With a great sense of satisfaction, a tremendous weight lifts off of the introvert as she realizes she no longer has any time to make a phone call that day anyway, and she can put it off until tomorrow.
It’s been a good day.
Did you see yourself in this post? You’ll definitely want to check out this one too then: How an Introvert Gets a Haircut:
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